Hello, you have reached the __________ Police Department voice mail.

-To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem you created for yourself, press1.

-To inquire whether someone has to die before we’ll do something about a problem,
press 2.

-To report an officer for bad manners when in reality the officer is trying to keep your neighborhood safe, press 3.

-If you would like us to raise your children, press 4.

-If you would like us to take control of your life due to your alcoholic or chemical dependency, press 5.

-If you would like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took years to deteriorate, press 6.

-To tell us that you know the Chief of Police and or some other very important person and that we should respond to your problem immediately, press 7.

-To sue us, tell us you’ll have our badge, that you pay our salary, or proclaim that our career is over, press 8.

-To hear this menu again, wrap aluminum foil around your head and turn around three times.