Jokes

Great Sex Coupon Joke

A guy was talking to his buddy, and he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.”

His buddy said, “I have an idea. Why don’t you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She’ll probably be thrilled!”
So the first fella did just that.
The next day his buddy asked, “Well, did you take my suggestion? How’d it turn out?”

“She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling—I’ll see you in two hours!”

Posted by admin on 06/23 at 02:14 PM
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Police Answering Machine Joke

Hello, you have reached the __________ Police Department voice mail.

-To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem you created for yourself, press1.

-To inquire whether someone has to die before we’ll do something about a problem,
press 2.

-To report an officer for bad manners when in reality the officer is trying to keep your neighborhood safe, press 3.

-If you would like us to raise your children, press 4.

-If you would like us to take control of your life due to your alcoholic or chemical dependency, press 5.

-If you would like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took years to deteriorate, press 6.

-To tell us that you know the Chief of Police and or some other very important person and that we should respond to your problem immediately, press 7.

-To sue us, tell us you’ll have our badge, that you pay our salary, or proclaim that our career is over, press 8.

-To hear this menu again, wrap aluminum foil around your head and turn around three times.

Posted by admin on 06/20 at 10:48 AM
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Irish Gas Attendant Joke

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his new Buick Rendezvous into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is, “Top o’ the morning to ya”.
As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket. “So what are those thing my, son?” asks the attendant.

“They’re called tees,” replied Tiger.

“And what would ya be usin ‘em for, now?” inquired the Irishman.

“Well, they’re for resting my balls on when I drive,” replies Tiger.

“Aw, Jaysus, Mary an’ Joseph!” exclaimed the Irish attendant. “Those fellas working for Buick think of everything!”

Posted by admin on 06/16 at 11:51 AM
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The Perfect Car

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn’t pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman. “Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?”

Very uncomfortably she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?”

He answers, “Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price.”

The real perfect car - Top 25 Coolest Cars

Posted by admin on 06/14 at 01:42 PM
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Very Funny Headlines

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really?]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[no-good-for-nothin’ lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
[you think?!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[weren’t they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That’s what he gets for eating those beans!]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

Posted by admin on 06/13 at 02:48 PM
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Blonde Girl Catches Husband Cheating

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

One day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically, the blonde responds to her husband, “Shut up… you’re next.”

Posted by admin on 06/10 at 07:22 PM
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Special Dinner Menu Joke

Last week, I went on holiday to visit my aunt on her farm. On the first day, one of her chickens died so we had chicken for dinner.

On the second day, one of her pigs died so we had pork for dinner.

On the third day, her husband died so I left before dinner.

Posted by admin on 06/09 at 02:31 PM
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